My wife is learning to drive and I can’t wait to hand over the car keys to her. Unless it’s absolutely necessary or we need to share the duties on longer trips, my driving days will be pretty much over. And it’s all thanks to you, my fellow motorists! Thank you for making the roads such a wonderfully relaxing, stress-free experience! There are so many types of road users that I want to mention. I’ll try not to forget anyone:-
• The Motorway Pootlers – We ALL pay road tax, so that middle lane isn’t just yours. Are you overtaking anyone? No.
• The Colour Blind – That light is GREEEEEEEEN! Move!
• The Fingerless – Fine, if you have no fingers, I understand perfectly why you can’t use your indicators. Otherwise, it’s just a tiny movement of one finger, a minuscule effort, you can do it, yes you can! Don’t be such a lazy fucker!
• The Sheep – Just because the car in front of you went through the light as it changed to red… knobs.
• The Conversationalists – You’re yapping to the person beside you, going 15mph and veering towards the pavement. Oh, yes you are! I’m stuck behind you!
• The Magicians – You’ve got a fag in one hand and your mobile in the other. Who the fuck is driving??
• The Suicide Pilots – You’re bicycle has handlebars but you choose not to use them. You’re riding in the dark, without lights or a cycle helmet. You split your journey between the road and the pavement and pay no attention to traffic lights. I can only assume that you WANT me to open my door as you ride past.
• The Can-You-See-Me’s? – Yes! Yes, I can just about see the top of your head over the steering wheel. You’re the school-run mothers in the unfeasibly huge, combine harvester sized 4×4’s and you’ve just taken up three parking spaces. Back to the farm now, is it? Oh, you don’t live on a farm? Oh, OK.
• The Can-You-See-Me-Too’s? – Yes! But if you keep your LED headlights on full beam for much longer, I’ll be blind.
• The Grass-Is-Always-Greener’s – There’s a bit of a traffic jam. So, which lane is moving just that little bit faster, hmmm? This one! Quick! No, that one! Let me in! No, wait! It’s that one again now! Pick a fucking lane!
I think I’ve covered all the major categories but I should also give a shout-out to all the kids who can’t resist pressing buttons at pedestrian crossings; the wonderful Park-Like-A-Twat brigade; double-parked delivery vans; and, of course, everyone’s favourites – the uninsured.