Three More Little Words


I have a love / hate relationship with D.I.Y.. I love the whole rigmarole of getting out the old tool kit and creating this manly spectacle – “Man see, Man fix!”, but I hate how this wonderful illusion has a tendency to blow up in my face!

Even the simplest jobs can turn into total disasters. Let’s say, I’m hanging a picture, for example. Here’s a few scenarios:-

Since I became a ‘man with tools’, I’ve lived in three very different houses.

  • The first was a council house, built sometime during the Iron Ages from interwoven sticks packed with mud, moss and cow shit. Drilling a hole in these walls usually resulted in so much of the black, powdery crap crumbling onto the carpet that we ended up having several service hatches in every room of the house and not a single picture in sight.
  • The second was a new-build. A doodle, indeed, an absolute delight, to hang a picture on a supporting wall. The other walls, however, were little more than cardboard and only good for sticking up paper drawings with sticky tape. Anything heavier, say, Christmas decorations, and it’s drawing pins. Screws? Forget it!
  • My current abode, if I might humanize it, probably smiles with evil glee every time I plug in the drill. The first one or two holes will be perfect, no problem at all. The last hole… no. I will hit some kind of impenetrable alien substance just beneath the plaster and the drill-bit will be ground flat. It’s true.

Now, here’s another three words for you – Flat pack furniture. Don’t get me started!

  1. Part A connects to Part B with 2 x screw F, 2 x  nut G and 2 x washer H.
  2. Part C connects to Part D with 3 x dowel Y.
  3. Connect all Parts ABCD using Allen key Q… hang on, not an Allen key! Don’t tell me I have to put this together with a fucking Allen key! Can’t we just have ordinary screws? What’s wrong with ordinary screws?
  4. What are you doing with that hammer? Why, I’m improvising, of course! You see, whatever sadistic little gnome fuckers you have pre-drilling the fucking holes came to work without their fucking glasses on didn’t they! I mean, how far out could they possibly be??
  5. Did you read the instructions properly? Hmm? What? Of course I read the f… oh, hang on, is this upside-down?
  6. Is that a hatchet? Yes.

(No items of furniture were harmed in the making of this blog entry.)



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