A Dan-y-Bont Christmas

By Peter S. O’Neil

’Twas on a wintry Christmas Eve in Bonters’ Rugby Club,

A night for fun and fancy dress, a disco and some grub.

The villagers of Dan-y-Bont had gathered in their masses

And soon the Bonters’ Rugby Club rang with the clink of glasses.

They all turned up in fancy dress: Mrs. Lloyd was Santa’s elf;

Selwyn Davies, of course, was Frankenstein; Dai the Legend just came as himself;

Library Rhian was Scarlett O’Hara; Mair Jenkins a garden gnome;

Idris was the Invisible Man (he was ill, so he stayed in at home);

Dai the Ticket and Huw the Bus Driver dressed up as Jekyll and Hyde;

While Rhian Reception wore jodhpurs and boots, so we knew she was up for a ride;

Jeronimo Jinks wore his rugby kit and said he was Barry John;

Dickie Dwt was off duty that night but he came with his uniform on;

Three generations of Dai the Coal came as the Three Musketeers;

And Potty Rhian (a vegetable plot?) had carrots stuck in her ears;

Rhodri Preece was proud of his effort but missed out on the prizes because

He came dressed up as Omar Khayyam and nobody knew who that was;

Dai the Grass dressed up all Hawaiian, in a skirt made out of grass trimmings;

Dai Preach put on a nun’s habit just to go for a pee in the ‘Women’s’;

Ffion Thomas arrived with Dai Chippy, who’d been planing her doors on the cheap;

Dai Chippy got dressed up as Zorro, Ffion was Little Bo Peep;

And Dai ‘the’ Chippy turned up late and everyone present could tell

That there might be a little confusion, cos he came as Zorro as well.

As the night wore on the beer flowed and eyesight began to get blurred,

A fight broke out in the car park over something Dai Preach overheard

In the Ladies’ while having a piddle. It transpired that poor Gladys Pugh

Had been ‘felt up’ by Idris Jenkins, who was supposedly home with the flu.

Now, Gladys’s bloke, who had only one eye (he was commonly known as Dai Winks)

Vowed to find the Invisible Pervert and confronted Jeronimo Jinks.

Jeronimo’d had a few sherbets and was always a boisterous lad,

So it was bound to get a bit tasty when he stuck up for his invisible dad.

But Gladys Pugh was indignant. “It was Idris who goosed me!” she cried.

And Dai Winks kept on, so Jeronimo Jinks invited the cyclops outside.

While the fighting spilled into the car park, at the bar there was further amiss,

When Little Bo Peep grabbed Zorro and planted a lingering kiss.

The other Zorro was just walking by and blew his top. No wonder!

Cos Dai ‘the’ Chippy was grinning and enjoying Ffion’s big blunder.

But Ffion continued the snogging, for, anyway, what did it matter?

Dai Chippy had finished planing her doors and the new Dai made beautiful batter.

Dai Chippy could scarcely believe it and, on retribution hell-bent,

He demanded to have satisfaction. So, out to the car park they went.

By now, the car park was teeming. The blind, drunken punches they flew.

In the fracas, they all missed the shadow of Idris behind Gladys Pugh.

But when Gladys turned to encounter the fiend who had touched her behind,

There was nobody there. “Oh no, not again!” thought Gladys. “I’m losing my mind!”

And her scream didn’t go all unnoticed – the fighting it came to a halt,

They all shook hands and agreed, to a man, it had all been Gladys’s fault.

Even Ffion declared to her suitors that the answer wasn’t to fight,

The Zorros weren’t to cross swords any more. (At least, not until later that night.)

All that was left was deciding the award for the best fancy dress.

The judges retired to the office and it took them an hour, no less.

Even though Idris was supposed to be ill and they’d not seen him with their own eyes,

They agreed, in truth, that the Invisible Man completely deserved the first prize.

Mair Jenkins stepped up to accept it and a shout from the back was let loose:

“There’s no justice!” Of course, it was Gladys, as Mair Jenkins was handed a goose.

Soon, Santa arrived at the Bonters’ and the valley echoed with cheers

As he came on the back of the coal truck, drawn by the Three Musketeers.

There were presents for all of the village and people were pleased, on the whole.

Of course, some had been naughty and all that they got was some coal.

When the lights of the Rugby Club darkened and the villagers filed out the door,

A blanket of snow had settled across the entire valley floor.

A single star shone brightly above to guide the revellers home,

And sleigh bells, off in the distance, promised of good things to come.

In the morning they’ll wake to the season of peace and goodwill to all men.

Merry Christmas to you, Dan-y-Bont! We’ll come back and see you again.

***

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